Haven’t posted in a while

Even though I’ve got no visits to my blog, I will continue adding my thoughts here. Who knows, someday this blog may be in the news for X reason. The truth is that lately I am so busy with work and everything that I am getting fed up with it. I have virtually no life and all I think about is how to secure my future. So many trains I missed in my life, I stopped for a moment and thought if it really is too late for anything. But the truth is that it is never too late as long as we are alive. Even though I am not a truly religious person (I seldom go to church), God has helped me in every way to fix what I messed up earlier. As I’ll never convert this blog to whining over my personal life, I will stop here with that, for my and everybody’s sake.

At least that’s what I thought. But then I wouldn’t really have anything else to write in this post. So here it goes… I can’t keep up with everything at this point. Which is the reason why this blog is still not getting any attention. If someone could visit, just by mistake, it would have given me the boost I need to make this thing alive. Alas, everything I do, I build on shifting sand. I actually enjoy this total anonymity which breaks me down to a brutally honest version of myself. Forget all the filters between me and reality, my mental images of right and wrong, built during my lousy social life, I hit it hard here. Hard and raw. There are no brakes, all I do is go with the flow.

I wonder what people did before the invention of blogs. I know journals and stuff, but that was like talking to yourself about yourself. There’s no external insight, no interactivity and even the dumbest person in the world would be able to conclude that doing something like that is Sisuphos’ job. I mean what are you going to get out of it? Nothing. But then you expect nothing anyway. Oh it’s all one huge Circulus Vitiosus.

I have honestly no exact idea of what I am talking about it. Yet it all makes sense. Our brains and implicitly our reality are not really designed for idling. We never idle, even when we sleep. We always think, think and think. Even dreams are thinking. Why in the heaven’s name can’t I get a one minute vacation? If I could just spend one minute of my life taking a break from existence, I guarantee I would have a totally restarted view on reality. But no, I am not a lucky winner this time. I never was anyway. Yoga?! I tried it. Didn’t really work for me. And I doubt even the most advanced practitioners can ever forget they exist. There is simply no such thing, because even trance is a path to somewhere. And as soon as you’ve got that somewhere, how can you be nowhere then?

Meh… There’s no use… It’s all checks He implemented. We can’t invent, we can discover. We can’t escape, we can accept. There is no alternative to reality. It’s a gift and it’s a curse. If you go back to your childhood, don’t you look at yourself as the same person in a smaller body. Of course, some perspectives changed, but you never infantilize that vision of yourself. You’re the same. Same damn fears, they never go away… Only dreams change, not because you wanted it. BAM you wake up, older and in scars, and it just happened – they never clicked with that damn thing called reality. The strangest thing is that no matter how I hate the life my kid twin had (being bullied, not respected and all those teenage slimes in my face), I still want a second chance in key situations. I just want to clap and shout: “Take Two! This was the real me” and fix the issues I have to live with now. But it never happens that way. Moral of the story, I have no other choice but to live with that.

Ah, life is beautiful after all. Who cares about what happened? I do, but it’s not like I have a choice. Who cares about what will happen? I do, but last time I checked my paranormal brain center wasn’t reporting any enabled psychic functions.

What the heck, all that means is I am back to dealing with my crappy present. Well, frankly, it’s better than it used to be and is slowly getting better and better. So, not everything is gray. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to continue with my work.

Asta la next post. And people, please comment to any of my posts. Let me know I am alive. Thanks!