Why do I believe in God? (Part 3 of X)

It is remarkable how much I screwed up my life, missed all trains and was sleeping on the subway bench like a hopeless bum. Well not literally but you get the metaphor, right? And I was still able to stand up and fight my way through memories that dragged me down, lost chances, lack of hope, devastating pessimism and all other lollipops my life stuck in my cheek. Like a bad movie line, darkness hits people once in a while unless one is incredibly lucky. Some are swallowed in, others feel like at home. But me — total hibernation. That went on for years. Actually 4 years… Total de-socialization, life-o-phobia, unrepairable cynicism. Yes, that was part of my recent history. I am now experiencing a major lag which I can probably even blame on celestial misalignment, but it all breaks down to me. “Me” is the fellow I should ask about what happened.

Enough with introspective because my point is somebody gave me a second chance. I am sure you can guess who. When I re-analyze how much I missed and yet I am well on the way of getting even more than I would have if I just did it right the first time, my jaw drops in awe with how marvelous His presence feels. Before you dismiss my claim as unsubstantial, based on superstition and/or whatnot, imagine yourself in a different position than you already are in. Imagine that you’re at the end of your teenage. You carry a backpack full of bullying, an imposed social ineptitude, complexes, doubts. Wooh, tough load for a teenager getting ready to sail off to the deep blue sea this life is. But not all is dark, you are intelligent, successful in what you want to pursue. You have dreams, goals and hopes. You feel like you finally get the high school of your back. And BAM you get sick out of the blue. Well not all of a sudden. After all those years of being deviant in a way, your sense for collective fades to nonexistence. Being a human being that needs acceptance, inclusion and feedback, your immunity and health deteriorate in lack of the three. And then hopes go away. You suddenly have something uninvited to fight again — the illness. You cry over your bad luck. Then you end up hating everything. No shine, only darkness… Water in your ears because you’re in the deep blue sea. Who said you can stay at the beach? All your goals and dreams vanish because you didn’t continue your education. And time is a ruthless, unforgiving kind of matter. It wipes your nose and leaves you in the dust, partially blind and hardly visible. You wander around in the dust for four years, doing exactly nothing, going nowhere because you’re still where you were… All roads lead to Rome so one day somebody wakes you up and you realize how lost you are and how lost you will be if you go on like that. But that somebody is not you. If it was you, you wouldn’t even get there. It’s not your friends because you don’t have true friends. It’s your family and it’s God, the only one who can help you get what was yours in the first place. And then you start the battle. It’s hard. It’s even harder than you expected. But you have the courage, patience and strength to regain your ground. You know that you’re too good to go to waste. You realize that you can’t spend the gift He gave you on nothing. You learn to accept everything. You accept your past, your present and your future. You learn to respect others’ opinion on you. If they don’t like you, you let them go their ways and you continue down your path. You don’t stop anymore. There’s a star in front of you. It was always there, but you didn’t see it from the dust.

Would all this be possible for me, if He wasn’t by my side? I say NO. I was weak, hurt and hopeless. I let too many things influence me. I was soft, shapeless and made of clay. I am no water anymore. Can’t fit everywhere, but will surely claim my spot under the Sun. I am no better nor worse than anybody else. After all, I am made in His image.

I am all it takes me to believe in His existence.